"Damn you, Mario!!!!! Damn you!!"
Before I start, I play quite a lot of video games in the evenings. Rich is a very priveleged individual - I speak to him over the headset. Because I know him and he's a mate. I refuse to sit there looking like I work in a call centre if I don't actually know the weirdo on the other end of the line. In short - I don't talk to random strangers who take their gaming too seriously. Why? Because there are so many morons out there, I'm partly scared of them, and partly embarrassed to be associated by them via an interest in video games. Some of these tossers you get on xbox live really do my head in. I have Christened them 'Online T**ts', or - for short - 'OT's. So, even if you aren't wearing your headset, you can still hear these 'valued' members of society through your TV. Let me go through the categories of OT:
Online T**t version 1 - The Homophobe.
This OT gets very angry for very little reason. And I mean very little reason. If I'm easily thrashing this sort of OT as Ken on Street Fighter IV, I have no qualms about some sort of critical analysis of my performance. For example: 'Good use of ranged fireball moves there, Ian - but sometimes your willingness to launch into a jumping headkick leaves you vunerable to attack, such as your reluctance to block my attacks.' Fair do's - I'd take that on board. But OT 1 uses this critical analysis:
"You f**king faggot."
How interesting. For a start, I live in the Black Country - faggots are a local speciality, especially when served with peas. I am deducing that they don't mean a gravy-based meat dish, and are in fact referring to the derogatory name for a homosexual male. So, the fact I managed to win a fighting game via an internet connection makes me homosexual does it? And this person obviously has some sort of problem with the homosexual community. I daresay that plenty of gay men are excellent at Street Fighter IV. In fact, I'm sure that in past I have had to play against people who are a different sexual orientation than myself. When such an individual defeats me (as I'm sure they often have) I never feel the need to bring their sexual orientation into discussion.
It's only ever Americans who use this term. I really can't quite understand why. If I defeat an OT 1 by simply being superior at Street Fighter IV, or maybe sniping an OT 1 through the head from several miles away on Call Of Duty or through a superb footballing display, triumph 5-0 at Pro Evolution Soccer 2009, I really can't understand that collaging these skilled gaming performances together brings this OT to the conclusion that I am homosexual. Or eat a gravy-based meat dish, with or without peas.
Online T**t version 2 - The Tactician.
This is exclusive to team-based games, such as Call Of Duty. This OT likes to win. At ALL costs. Failure is simply not an option. Basically, your typical OT 2 barks orders down his headset to random people such as yourself, displaying his 'vast knowledge' of tactical warfare. A really hardcore OT 2 will also shout orders using directions as well as the phonetic alphabet (example - "You there - Bravo Kilo Uniform - Sou-South East - move.") I usually side step the barrage of bullets so he gets hit and 'takes one for the team'. But most OT 2's are totally useless - mainly because they're probably failed cadets who didn't make it into the forces due to not knowing the difference between arse and elbow, and thinking a AK47 was a type of car.
I like winding OT 2's up best, because it's so unbelievably easy to do. Simply ignore them or - better still - do the opposite of what they 'command'. When ordered to 'hold your ground', running headlong into a group of baddies might get you a 'what the f**k are you doing soldier?! I told you to hold your ground goddammit!!', it might also succeed. If I hit a decent run of form, I can be pretty good at Call Of Duty, so I occasionally attempt that. If you do, the reaction is usually priceless as well. Example - "Don't take risks with your life like that again soldier."
OT 2's can also come in the guise of 'The Gallant', which I will Christen as an OT 2 and a half. OT 2 1/2's realise a GIRL is playing, and will offer advice and PROTECTION to aforementioned female members throughout the game. Hilarious to witness, flirting online is one thing, but in the heat of battle - quite the spectacle. I would love to know if any of these techniques have been successful, and would wager that any potential marital union would take place in World of Warcraft. Any potential offspring of OT 2 + token female gamer (shudders at the thought of any such relationship) has the possibility to become an OT 3 (see below).
Some OT 2's can easily morph into OT 1's during the heat and intense pressure of battle. The rest of us can just turn the console off and return to our normal, mundane REAL lives, and hence avoid post traumatic stress syndrome.
Online T**t version 3 - The Annoying Child
The most annoying of all OTs, the OT 3 unfortunately crops up in EVERY type of game and are usually the offspring of bad parents who could possibly have been brother and sister.
Your average OT 3's age is between 6 and 16, except those who have yet to enter puberty, mainly from lack of vitamin D due to not seeing daylight since 9/11 'because the muslims will kill us if we step outside'. They are identifiable through squeaky pre-pubescent voices, that tend to make one's skin crawl.
Typical behaviour of an OT 3:
* Fuzzy static down headset
* SINGING down headset
* WHISTLING down headset
* Turning up volume of static/singing/whilsting after OT 1 calls them a 'f**king faggot' to stop them
* Continued use of the phrase 'you're shit' after they shoot you
* Called away midgame to have dinner
Start 'em young...
And there we have it. Rather irritating on a Sunday night when all you want is a quiet game. Enjoy your gaming time, folks - but whatever you do, look out for these t**ts. If you see one, wind them up. You might lose your game but let's be honest, it IS only a game, and isn't even real. Remember - we have lives. These people are yet to kiss a girl without giving out their credit card number.
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